I Love You This Much
by SugaMama09
Summary: Little Ichigo questions why his mom decided to die rather than be with her family, believing that she had stopped loving them until he sees one of her sketches in the back of a picture album.  ONESHOT


**I'm currently working on like...7 stories at the moment & I've hit a writer's block in all of them so I'm taking a break by writing this one shot xD**

**Disclaimer: I own nada, I make nada. The character's beliefs, actions, behaviors, thoughts & etc do not necessarily reflect my own.**

**Side note: I write "&" instead of "and". Just so you know & don't bitch at me in a review or PM =]**

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Little Ichigo sighed as he fingered the picture of his mother. Dang, he missed her. It felt like she hadn't been dead that long but it'd been six months. He could've sworn it was just last week or sometime recently. It'd been hard without her though; Dad stayed in his room but when he did come out, to go to work or eat, he'd look so sad & wouldn't talk, even when Ichigo talked to him.

He wished his mom hadn't left. He didn't know why she stood in front of the train, watching it with her calm, warm eyes. She'd looked so...sad...not like she was about to die. He'd never seen anyone die before but he was quite sure that no one looked _that _sad right before they got hit by a train.

She hadn't loved him. Ichigo was sure of that, just as sure as he was that his hair was orange. It was against the law to abandon your family & dying was the only way to get out of it. Well besides being taken to jail & sentenced to life. Why didn't she love him? He didn't know. He'd always tried to be a good boy. He made good grades, he cleaned his room...he even washed behind his ears! He couldn't understand why she didn't love him or even Dad but she didn't.

Ichigo pushed the picture of her facedown on the floor & got up, frowning. He didn't care that his mom didn't love him. Dad loved him & that was enough. Tatsuki loved him as a friend & that was enough. His baby sisters loved him & that was enough. He would be ok without his mom loving him, especially now that she was gone. Did he hate her? No, not really. Hated that he couldn't get an explaination, yes, but hating her was too strong of a word. He just didn't understand why, that's all.

When Ichigo walked into the living room he found Dad on the couch, a huge book in his lap. He was smiling a little, his eyes watery & red. He looked up at his son & his smile grew a little wider.

"Come here, son"

Ichigo skipped over to his dad & hopped up on the couch, scooting close to look at the book in the man's lap. "What's this, Daddy?"

"It's a picture book. Mommy made it before she...before she left"

"You mean before she died?"

His dad blinked hard, jaw squaring. "She left, son"

"But if she left that means she's coming back & Mommy's not coming back!" Ichigo cried, feeling his eyes grow hot.

His father sighed, closing his eyes. It was a moment before he spoke. "No, son. She's not coming back...but you'll see her again one day"

"I wanna see her now..." the boy pouted, feeling an emptiness in his chest.

Isshin wrapped an arm around the boy's slim shoulders, kissing the top of his head. "I know, Ichi...I do too..."

They sat in silence for a moment, almost falling asleep before Ichigo looked down & recognized a face in one of the pictures in the book. "Hey, that's Papa, isn't it?"

Isshin smiled. "Yes, that's Papa. You remember him?"

Ichigo nodded, grinning. "He gave me the best candy. When can we go see him?"

"Well, I guess whenever we...I get the money. We'll call him & ask when we can come up for a vist with he & Nana, ok?"

The little carrot top nodded up at his father. "Ok!"

They flipped through the picture book, Ichigo pointing out the faces that he knew, Isshin pointing out the faces that he didn't & sharing a memory that made his eyes shine & his smile big. Ichigo liked to see his Dad smile. It made him want to smile too.

On the last page was a detailed pencil drawing of a toddler reaching for whoever had drawn the picture, showing off his gums in a toothless smile & drool hanging off his bottom lip. Ichigo's face lit up. "That's me!"

Isshin laughed. "Yes, that is you. You know, Mommy drew this. You were just eight months old at the time"

Ichigo stared at himself for a long time, his face registering deep concentration before he looked up at his Dad. "Daddy...why didn't Mommy love us?"

His father frowned, looking down at him in concern. "What? Why would you think that?"

"Well...she left us...on purpose..."

The man sighed, rubbing a hand over his face tiredly then setting the hand on his son's shoulder. "Mommy loved us very much, Ichigo. She loved us more than her heart could handle & more than words could describe. But Mommy was...Mommy was really stressed out & she couldn't handle it anymore"

"But why didn't she just ask for help? I would've helped her! You would have too! Why didn't she let us?"

Isshin smiled sadly. "I don't know, son"

Ichigo pouted, crossing his arms. "She didn't love us, I bet"

His father took him sternly by the shoulders, his eyes serious. "No, Ichigo. She did. She loved us very much"

"She left us & didn't even care how we would feel about it!" the boy screamed, eyes filling & over running with tears.

Isshin sighed & hugged his boy close, patting his back & rocking him slightly. What do you tell a seven year old when he believes his mother commited suicide because she didn't love her family? How do you even try to help him cope with that loss? Could he help him when even he was torn up about it?

The last two or three pages of the album flipped closed & Isshin noticed something on the last page. When he recognized it he smiled & tapped Ichigo's shoulder. The boy looked up at him questioningly.

"See, Ichi...she did love you. She loved us all"

Ichigo looked down to see another detailed pencil drawing of his mother standing with her arms opened wide & her family running towards her, almost as if they were in a race. She was smiling & the breeze combed her hair away from her face & ruffled her skirt. Ichigo could almost hear his Dad & sisters laughing as they raced towards the woman with her arms held out wide. A tear rolled down his cheek & landed on the bottom of the page where he noticed writing & he leaned forward to read it.

"I...love you this much..." he read slowly.

"I told you" Isshin said softly.

Ichigo glanced at him before looking & staring back at the picture. So he was wrong: his mommy did love them all. How could he ever believe that she didn't? He still didn't understand why she decided to die but...like Daddy said, he'd see her again one day.

He ran a finger over the draw several times & stared at it until the sun set & his father had fallen asleep on the couch long ago. Happy tears spilled over his eyes as he smiled.

"I love you that much too, Mommy"

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This story was actually inspired by my mom because she was out with some friends till 1am & I was missing her like crazy xD! I actually got a little stuck near the end there so it didn't come out exactly the way I wanted it though...still hoped you Sweeties & new readers liked it though! I appreciate reviews, constructive criticism, questions [just don't ask for my credit score o.O], comments & the like! =D


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